I’ve tried so hard to keep in contact with my family and try to make connections that apparently weren’t there. Today I pretty much have no connection with my mother or my brother. After my mom did what she did, she tried to compare it with me getting pregnant at 15. Yes, she compared hocking my iPhone, to the apparent wrong I did her of getting pregnant. I’m guessing she feels so wronged because the hours she spent on the computer ignoring my existance made her feel as though she did everything she could to prevent it. And apparently she and my brother have been resenting me behind my back, since my brother thought then that I was ‘out of control’ and feels the same way about my kids now.
I’ve had a hard time trying to keep family with my brother. He doesn’t care to talk to me or spend time with me, but I was trying to convince myself that was only because we lived so far apart for so long and didn’t talk much either. I guess he holds me accountable for all that, despite the fact that my mom moved me 700 miles away when I was 15, then he moved himself to the east coast 2-3 years later.
I tried, over the phone, to tell my brother how I felt about our fading relationship. I tried to tell him how it seemed we only talked when we needed something and how I wanted to see eachother more. I told him I wanted us to make better efforts to see eachother. About 5 years ago my brother got married and didn’t tell me because he assumed I wouldn’t come. I’m not sure what sister would not come to her brother’s wedding, but I’m not her. If nothing else, I’d at least like to be given the chance to say I can’t make it. Her whole family was there. Her whole family gets all the family treatment, actually. On that phone call he said to me that traveling with infants was too hard and he would come see us more when they were bigger because it would be easier. He should have said what he meant, which was, ‘I don’t like you.’ I tried to tell him it doesn’t get easier as they get older, it’s just a different kind of hard. I tried to tell him that it was a little misleading considering he put them on a plane to California, but couldn’t drive them a few hours.
Yesterday my brother told me a few things. He told me his cats happiness was more important than Corey’s ability to breathe (he’s highly allergic), he told me my kids were out of control (again), he told me my family was a burden on them whenever we visited, and in a round about way told me his true feelings about me. I can’t imagine what it is about me and my family that he hates so much, because it’s definitely obviously so incredible that he simply cannot bear it. That’s fine. Who needs a family anyway? He’s obviously decided that we’re not his family anymore and her family is the end all be all, so he can have them. I’m unbelieveably sad that I’m not going to be there to see/experience my nefews lives. But I’m not going to go through the rest of my life being bullied by someone who doesn’t want me around. Apparently somewhere he got detatched and there’s no fixing it, no matter how much I’d like to. I officially give up.
